Establishing a Home Life Rhythm: An Interview with Jennifer Pepito
on defining a family vision, emotional regulation, pursuing connection and the things we value most
When my husband and I were first dating, he had a sign in his office that said, “Escape Inertia.” That was over twenty years ago now, and I still haven’t forgotten it. Maybe it’s even harder to escape inertia as we get older. We are carried along by the current of life, and the days, months, and years pass more quickly than ever. We still have dreams for ourselves and our families, but sometimes it feels like we are just making it through each day. How do we find the space for them?
I once thought the antidote to inertia was to keep my days as open-ended as possible. I enjoy a spaciousness to life and find schedules stifling. I started out parenting being very unstructured. I wanted to escape inertia by pursuing whatever we were interested in each day. But as my family grew, this style became chaotic and unsustainable, a houseful of people going in different directions. When I learned about the idea of a daily rhythm, it is no overstatement to say it changed my life. A daily rhythm allowed us to prioritize those values that were most important to us, but it did not have the rigidity of a schedule. It breathes. Implementing a rhythm gave us more time for creativity and brought so much peace to my home.
My friend Jennifer Pepito recently published a book called Habits of a Sacred Home. In it, she draws from monastic practices to give readers the tools to create a unique family culture within their homes. As a mother of seven children, five of whom she has raised to adulthood, these habits have been lived out in her family life. She writes, “Change the world by changing your home, one habit at a time.”
Jen, a daily rhythm is, in a sense, a practice of daily habits. What are the advantages of incorporating a rhythm into our homes?
I love what you shared earlier about life without a rhythm. I’ve also tried both a highly structured life and a more unstructured one and found that having rhythm creates so much peace. Even something as simple as a morning routine can help nurture more peaceful days and, in turn, a more peaceful life. Children feel more comfortable and secure when there is predictability to their days, and sensitive children are especially ruffled when we make spontaneous plans without giving them time to adjust to the new rhythm.
Yes, I thought I was empowering my children by giving them lots of choices, but research and my own experience have shown that children (and humans in general) thrive in predictability. Having too many choices is stressful for most people. How do you suggest people who are new to the idea of a family rhythm begin creating one?
My Restoration Home Community group focuses on identifying our vision before starting a new rhythm. For example, writing down what you want your children to remember about life in your home can help you decide what activities are the most important for working towards that. If you want your children to remember a happy home where they felt loved, you might start with a rhythm of hugging them in the morning and smiling at them. If you want your children to remember a home where creativity is prioritized, you might make a daily rhythm that includes an hour of creativity each day. Simple habits help us work towards a visionary life, but we must start by defining the vision.
That last sentence is incredibly powerful! And I have had the same experience with my children. A predictable rhythm helps so much with emotional regulation while allowing us to move toward our family vision. What other habits would you recommend we build into our rhythm to promote healthy emotional regulation in our children?
I love this question because I feel like so many behavioral issues in children stem from a lack of attunement and structure in the adults around them. Some of the habits that can really counter the chaos in the world around us are things like building margin between activities so we don’t rush our children, having regular mealtimes so children don’t meltdown because of blood sugar imbalances, and having a personal quiet time or reflective time so you are processing your own inner pain and not reacting to our children because of adult fears. When we put habits into place that help us move a little slower and respond with more care to the needs of ourselves and our children, we contribute to a home environment that feels steady and safe. This in turn, empowers our children to settle into deeper learning and stronger relationships because they aren't getting stuck in patterns of fight or flight.
I think so many of us long for deeply connected relationships. We sometimes feel this should come intuitively and naturally, in the same way we might assume that a creative practice just arises spontaneously. But really, there are habits that we can implement into our daily lives to make sure we are pursuing connection with purpose, that it isn’t slipping through the cracks. What habits do you recommend we build into our lives to deepen our connection with our children?
This question is so important! Connected families are more able to impact the values and culture of our children, and children with healthy attachments are able to make mature and responsible decisions. I’ve encouraged families to nurture four simple habits to build connection. These are:
10 seconds of eye contact with each child daily.
15-second hug every day.
20 minutes of reading aloud daily.
30 minutes of outdoor time each day.
These favorite habits create space to enjoy each other and build a strong family culture. Our children know they are loved and wanted when we intentionally look them in the eyes and show them we love them.
We’ve discussed how habits and rhythm can benefit our children, but they benefit us as parents, too. The poem Little Things has meant so much to me:
Little drops of water, Little grains of sand, Make the mighty ocean And the pleasant land.
As parents, we can feel so stretched that it can be hard to imagine finding the space to pursue the things we love. Taking a little time each day to pursue what fills our souls not only nourishes us every day, but over time, these small efforts accumulate into something greater. Incorporating this time into our family rhythm has been important to me. How did you make the space to pursue things you love while you were homeschooling and raising a large family?
That poem is so lovely and it reiterates the importance of 1% improvement for curating an intentional life. It’s not huge, sweeping changes that matter, and nor is it being a perfect parent. Instead, it’s the small choices we make daily that add up to a peaceful and intentional life. As a homeschool mom, I was fortunate to have the freedom to pursue my own interests as part of the curriculum. I didn’t need to carve out extra time to be creative because I built it into our school routine. We spent time gardening, baking bread, visiting art museums, and traveling as part of our yearly rhythm and built up a framework of exploration that has broadened my own horizons as a woman and a mother.
This is such a great point! I have loved this about homeschooling as well.
In a world that often presses us to do more, be more, and involve our children in more, you have chosen to live life more stripped back, valuing simplicity. How do you change your rhythm as your family changes while maintaining your commitment to simplicity?
I’m so honored that you noticed this, because simplicity is such a core value for me, and care of the environment and people is an important part of our family decision-making. I view my creative life as an opportunity to be childlike and pursue new projects with the idea that I’m merely throwing (non-toxic) paint at a wall and seeing what sticks. I strive to keep my environment and my schedule sustainable while still giving myself lots of freedom to experiment and to try new things. I’m not afraid of making mistakes, which frees up mental space to be creative without expecting perfection.
We’ve discussed the benefits of implementing healthy habits in our homes. But how can these habits benefit the world beyond our homes?
I’m passionate about this concept because in a world where many have lost cultural anchors, I feel like practices like hospitality and simplicity have the potential to bring restoration to culture. In my new book, Habits for a Sacred Home, I highlight simple habits that have brought restoration to culture. As we make choices that are good for people and model this to our children and our communities, we are nurturing hope for a better tomorrow.
Jen, I always like to end with this question: What is making you come alive right now?
I love this question! I really love spending time with my granddaughter; it’s so fun to see the world through her excitement and wonder, and I’m so excited to revisit many of the same activities that I loved doing with my children with my children’s children. I spent many happy hours reading aloud to my children, walking in creeks with them, and doing crafts together, and I’m delighted to have more chances to enjoy life with littles.
Jen and I talked more about family rhythms on her Restoration Home podcast in an episode called Dream Big.
Other Interviews in this Series:
An Interview with Flower Farmer Sarah Davis
I so enjoyed this conversation! Thank you for sharing your wisdom, Rachel and Jen! 🤍
Oh! I love Jennifer Pepito and her wisdom so much! Thank you for sharing!